Gaslighting
I came across
this article a few months ago and had forgotten about it until a few days ago
when I noticed the effects of gaslighting on myself.
Gaslighting is essentially when someone reacts to your
emotions by telling you that you are being irrational. All those times people
tell you to “calm down”, “relax” or say that you are acting “crazy” after they
have done something to piss you off: yeah, that’s gaslighting.
Gaslighting causes people or, as this article contends,
specifically women, to try to hide their emotions to assure they are not
perceived as irrational. i.e. when you send someone what is supposed to be an
angry text for being 30 minutes late, you might say “you’re late :)”, throwing
in that smiley face to make sure you simultaneously voice your annoyance but
don’t come off as bitchy for expecting your date to understand that 7:00 is not
7:45.
There is clearly a stigma that comes with being a woman. A
stigma that says that women are emotional, bitchy, needy, nagging, erratic, and
irrational. Gaslighting is a way to play off of this stigma.
Our society
teaches women that we are predisposed to all of these tendencies by nature. It’s
all in our DNA. But, nevertheless, these are all bad, and we must work
constantly not to fall into this pit that nature has dug for us. So when men
say that we are being emotional, bitchy, or erratic they are probably right. We
are probably just succumbing to our nature and we need that nice little nudge to
help us back out of our pit. (read in a terribly patronizing voice)
That is exactly why gaslighting is so effective. It uses our
fear, subconscious or conscious, of becoming the nagging woman against us. And
it inevitably leads to subordination. Because it reinforces that idea the women
are predisposed to these tendencies and because it makes these tendencies seem disadvantageous,
women are subsequently perceived as less valuable than men.
How is it that we can combat this? How can we change not only our perception but the perceptions of others?
As a parting gift: Meredith Books!
I feel like in situations like this, people automatically assume that someone will end up on the offensive side being told their emotions, even if valid, are irrational. When this is the case, things usually get heated, and things get spoken in a manner, due to the tension of the situation, in a way that comes off as pugnacious and combative (from both parties). While I do not see a way for women in particular to have a strategy to avoid this, i feel like the easiest way for both males and females in these situations is to not jump on the defensive right away, and try your best to use tones of voice and listen to the other person instead of instinctually coming off as an asshole or a bitch
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of the stereotype of the angry feminist, yelling about patriarchy and burning bras. The word has become associated with anger to such an extent that a lot of my friends in high school, who were making statements about the right to reproductive healthcare, equal pay, etc, would start their arguments with "I'm not a feminist or anything, but..." It's the fear of being seen as angry or emotional, some weird mix of too womanly and unwomanly at the same time, that has made feminist a dirty word. It's so frustrating because, as you're saying, there's no way to win. We can't forcefully express our opinion, but when we add the smiley face, we dilute it for others, reinforcing their power (says the angry feminist). Anyway, I really liked your post and it's a feeling/experience that I didn't know had a name. :)
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