Recently, I read an 0p-ed piece in the Times that focused on the relationship between feminism and the creation of the platonic male and female relationship. Of course, we take this type of a relationship for granted. Now, we just refer to platonic relationships as "friendships." However, the idea that sex always gets in the way of these relationships is, in fact, not so quaint. Oscar Wilde famously said, "Everything in the World is about except sex. Sex is about power." Perhaps the strength of this aphorism is in its catchy quality, but that does not mean that many people do not act or behave, consciously or unconsciously, like this is true.
Early on in high school, I was constantly berated about and questioned on the nature of relationships that I had with women. There were constant questions about "secret liaisons," ect. I would guess that certain corners of Rhodes are quite similar, but I would argue that on the whole most people "of a certain age" have strong sex-less relationships with someone of the opposite sex (or at least don't gawk at one when it crosses their path). This is not to say that friendships are not complicated by sexual attraction. It is just to say that once a level of maturity is reached people become better at managing those attractions. Of course, in the heternormative society that we live in, people are less comfortable considering the potential same-sex sexual attraction that could be looming. For some reason, admitting sexual attraction to someone is threatening, which seems strange. Attraction does not necessitate action. Perhaps, because platonic friendships and sexual relationships have been conflated into the modern marriage mirage we assume that one--friendship--is always leading to the other--some kind of sexual relationship (again, I am short changing all non-heternormative relationship, I apologize). This is just a huge shot in the dark, and I do agree that your partner should be your best friend, but why place so much emphasis on sex, or the "sex-potential." Why should that get in the way of building great relationships. People can have great relationships with people that they are attracted to without ever acting or feeling tempted to act upon those feelings. I should rephrase. "Attracted to" should be replaced with "Someone who finds someone else attractive." The former seems to imply a lack of agency on behalf of the person involved--like they are the positive side of a magnet and their friend is the negative. It just isn't so. I think a refusal to recognize these observations, especially in same-sex friendships, only perpetuate an underlying discomfort with benign sexual variation, as well as all other kinds of sex.
Maybe I am just full of shit. I don't know. It is late in the semester. I am tired. I'd be interested to hear what people think though.
I find it ironic that you put a picture of 'Friends' the television show next to this blog post. All of the characters on the show who are opposite sex and not siblings at some point have a sexual encounter.
ReplyDeleteI think that the more we get away from heternormative relationships the less people pay attention to things like gender within friendships. However, I do know exactly what you mean. I've always gotten comments about my male friends and whether I was secretly interested in them.
That is really funny. I actually hadn't thought too much about the implications of the show. I simply thought that the picture was pretty funny. I, to my discredit, have not seen that much of the show.
DeleteSo this is a really fun question for a lesbian who went to an all-girls high school. Of course, before I came out to my friends, there was absolutely no thought of a non-friend relationship; everything was platonic because what else could it be? After coming out, however, things got weird. When one of my best friends and I got in a serious fight, she told people that I was in love with her. Two of my closest friends were constantly trying to get me to play the game "Who would you rather do?" with the two of them as the options. I got strange questions about how they looked in this dress or that. Those happened before I came out but these were different; they carried new weight. All of my friends were really supportive, but I doubt many of them noticed the changes, even if they were small, in our relationship after I came out in the same way I did. In relation to your question, it was a very interesting thing to have the assumption of platonic friendship flipped on its head. My friends were all straight-identified. They had no intention of pursuing anything with me. And yet, their attitude towards me was some strange hybrid of the way that they treated me before and the way they would treat a male friend or a potential more than friend, but with none of the follow through. Just thought I'd add that experience to the pile. :)
ReplyDeleteThat is some bullshit. I am sorry to hear that anecdote about your close friend. I guess one of the things I was trying to get at was simply the inherent gaze we all possess. Not only are we performing for the world but we view the world, in some ways, as a performance as well. I hate to universalize, so I won't. I will simply say that from my experience with speaking about this issue most people speak about sexual attractions they have had to both sexes that they haven't acted upon. It is worth mentioning that this grouping of individuals is not ready to settle straight, and many of them are queer, for sure. From my personal experience, I have found myself being attracted to all kinds of people for all different reasons without feeling obligated to act upon those feelings. I think that people should experiment with accepting the sexual aspect of their lives, or for some people the lack there of, because ignoring it does not make it disappear. Self-control is something we all deal with. Also, sex doesn't have to change a friendship. It goes both ways. The reification of sex often makes this difficult, but with the right outlook sex can just be sex, and friendships can just be friendships, no matter what sexual feelings are at stake. Again, maybe I'm speaking just bullshit. If so, I apologize. I've been told more than once that my perspective is "marginal data."
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